Door 79 Winter 2001-2002 aeionline.com thewriterslifeline.com

• John Scott Shepherd's "Joe Somebody" (starring Tim Allen, Julie Bowen, Jim Belushi; directed by John Pasquin; produced by Ken Atchity & exec prod Chi-Li Wong, with Kopelson’s Matt Gross; see p. 10) premiered 12/17 in Kansas City (p. 12) and 12/19 in Los Angeles, and hit theaters nationwide 12/21. John’s Henry's List of Wrongs has been sold to Japan and Germany at the Frankfurt Book Fair. JSS has signed a deal with Revolution Studios to write AEI client Suzi Parker’s "Genie in a Bottle."
• Steve Alten was interviewed for two hours on the Art Bell show, and appeared on http://stygianstar.homestead.com/main.html. His ADOPT-AN-AUTHOR program is now being utilized by over 700 classrooms across the country and will be featured in both Barnes & Noble and Border's upcoming Teacher Appreciation Events. Steve’s forthcoming Goliath (20,000 Leagues Under the Sea meets 2001; Tor) has been sold by AEI/Baror to Germany and Japan at the Frankfurt Book Fair.
• AEI deal for Gary Buffone’s Choking on the Silver Spoon with ReganBooks (Cal Morgan). Gary’s The Myth of Tomorrow was sold to McGraw-Hill (Nancy Hancock).
• AEI deal for April Christofferson's Moratorium and a second yet-untitled thriller, with Forge (Natalia Aponte).Two-book deal with Forge for Moratorium.The mass market edition of April's Clinical Trial is on the Albertsons and Fred Meyer bestseller lists, a "top-5 'lane-blocker' at Safeway, and a "Rising Star" in the S.E. News Group.
• AEI deal for Paul Grangaard’s for The Grangaard Method: The Revolutionary Way of Accumulating and Managing Retirement Funds with Putnam-Perigee (John Duff).

• Gary and Joy Lundbergs' Marriage, for Better not Worse was the subject of a major feature in the Utah Standard Examiner on September 1, 2001: "Book lists 'Fourteen secrets to a Happy Marriage" p. 5). Their Education Week address was chosen for broadcast by BYU-TV.
• John Robert Marlow’s Nano has been judged a finalist in the Nicholls Fellowship competition.

• Rosalyn McMillan’s

  This Side of Eternity made Billboard’s bestseller list.  In the September issue of Essence magazine, Eternity is number three for fiction.
• AEI deal with Laurence Mark’s Productions for Shirley Palmer’s Danger Zone. Shirley’s Veiled Journey will be republished by Mira in May 2002.
• AEI deal for Mary Taylor’s Art of Seduction to Three Rivers/Random House (Carrie Thornton).

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Hide whatever that new drug you have is…I like it.-Sam, "Life as a House"

KJA: Would you mind giving me a respectful bow?

KM: Not yet. Wait until I see box office.-12/3/01

JSS: I thought Joel was dating someone.

All true lovers have spirits too free. It keeps us fastened eternally to ecstasy and the wild flashing colors of pain.-Erin Kamler, Runway Sixty-Nine

I look like an innocent Asian girl…don’t I?-K.M., 10/25/01, Broadway Diner, NYC

KJA: Have you been to one of those blow-job how-to parties?

Valarie P.: I don’t need to go to those parties.-10/19/01-Telcon

Harvard? These guys never even finished kindergarten. They were drafted.-Frenchie Fox, "Small Time Crooks"

For a true writer each book should be a new beginning where he tries again for something that is beyond attainment. He should always try for something that has never been done or that others have tried and failed. -Ernest Hemingway

Justina S.: This is the smartest thing I’ve ever read. Fix it.-10/10/01 telcon with JRM

Jan A.: We were authorized by you to be ourselves!

KJA: But who knew this was you?-9/18/01 Lorraine

When the hole becomes so deep that you can’t see out, how do you know which was is up?-Jay Ashkinos, Everything Else (MS)

I could go farther if my body wasn’t there.-Sara A. 9/29, Lorraine

Guest: I loved the way you carried yourself across the woman.

May Sloan: You can’t carry yourself across the room. That’s basically not possible.-"Small Time Crooks"

Girl: Wait for me!

Jay: What, here?-Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

Kill with a borrowed knife.-"36 Strategies" (Chinese) [via Robert Cantrell]

This motherfucker’s so cool when he goes to bed sheep count him.-Mamet, "Heist"

Men vs. Women

Men are like a fine wine.  They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. - Kathleen Mifsud

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann  Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal  partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -  Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better material  for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.- Rita  Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.- Benjamin Franklin

I  was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- George Burns

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.- Elaine  Boosler

At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes,  I am, I married the wrong man."- Anonymous #1

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.- Rita Rudner [via Danny Aguillard]

What a small portion of infinite and immeasurable time is allotted to each of us. It is so quickly swallowed up by eternity. How small is the clod of earth on which you crawl about. Remember all these things and consider nothing great but this: Do what Nature bids you, and suffer what Life brings.-Marcus Aurelius

Don’t even think about it. I will shock you so bad your tongue will turn black.
can anyone identify this quote?

Hindsight is like foresight without a future. -"Life Is a House"

Think You Know Everything?

• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.
• On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
• All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction"
  are stuck on 4:20.
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
• All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
• In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
• There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
• "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
  [via Danny A.]

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Editing Hemingway was like wrestling with a god.-Tom Jenks [via thewriterslifeline.com]

Kid: What’d you say to him?

Brautigan: Oh, just intellectual chitchat among men of goodwill.-"Hearts in Atlantis"

Come on, don’t have willpower now!-A. McK.-9/3/Curson

Julie G.: He hypnotized her. I’ve never seen a writer do that to another writer before.-Intermedia, 8/3/01

He lives doubly who also enjoys the past.-Marcus Martial

And so, at this time,

I greet you.

Not quite as the world

Sends greetings,

But with profound esteem

And with the prayer

That for you,

Now and forever,

The day breaks,

And the shadows flee away.

Take heaven.-John Robinson, Heaven on Earth, MS

The miser does no one any good, but he treats himself worst of all.-Publius Syrus

KJA: Do you find most people who drive that way are women?

K.M.: Definitely.

KJA: How do you explain it?

K.M.: Menstruation.-10/10/01, Wilshire Blvd

I’m not in any position to judge anyone, Will. It’s about what you think was right at the time. (beat) And what you’re willing to live with.-Hillary Seitz, "Insomnia"

Peter O’Toole told me I should find a woman I hate, give her my house and skip the rest of it.-Ben Affleck

KJA: You didn’t think on your vacation?

Valarie P.: I didn’t think at all. All I did was read.

KJA: That’s says it all.

V.P.: You’re not going to quote me on that!

KJA: You’re doomed.-9/9/01 telcon

If you’re looking for pity, it’s in the dictionary between pathetic and pube.-"Slap Her, She’s French" Lamar Damon & Robert Lee King

September 11, 2001:

TRY TO PRAISE THE MUTILATED WORLD

Try to praise the mutilated world.

Remember June's long days,

and the wild strawberries, drops of wine, the dew.

The nettles that methodically overgrow

the abandoned homesteads of exiles.

You must praise the mutilated world.

You watched the stylish yachts and ships;

one of them had a long trip ahead of it,

while salty oblivion awaited others.

You've seen the refugees heading nowhere,

you've heard the executioners sing joyfully.

You should praise the mutilated world.

Remember the moments when we were together

in a white room and the curtain fluttered.

Return in thought to the concert where music flared.

You gathered acorns in the park in autumn

and leaves eddied over the earth's scars.

Praise the mutilated world

and the gray feather a thrush lost,

and the gentle light that strays and vanishes

and returns. [New Yorker, via KM]

I hate the fuckin’ Swiss. They make these little clocks. Two cocksuckers come out and whack each other on the head with fucking hammers. What kind of sick mentality is that?-"Heist"

When I want to read a good book, I write one.-Benjamin Disraeli

Don’t you want to hear my last words?

I just did.-"Heist"

I’ll be as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton.

I don’t want you to be as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton. I want you to be as quiet as an ant not even thinking of pissing on cotton. -"Heist"

Money has never made anyone rich.-Seneca

KJA: Congrats on your first porn film.

Warren Z.: Isn’t it great publicity?

KJA: Plus great extra income.

Warren Z.: I had nothing to do with it, I swear.

KJA: Sure. 8/5/01 telcon

Just as the office worker dreams of murdering his hated boss and so is saved from really murdering him, so it is with the author; with his great dreams he helps his readers to survive, to avoid their worst intentions. And society, without realizing it ... respects and even exalts him, albeit with a kind of jealousy, fear and even repulsion, since few people want to discover the horrors that lurk in the depths of their souls. This is the highest mission of great literature, and there is no other. -Ernesto Sábato (b. 1911), Argentinian novelist, essayist. Independent (London, June 20, 1992) [via JSS]

He’s getting pasty-looking like someone who’s been feeding exclusively on is ego.

1.  The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

3.  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

4.  Deja moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

5.  Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill.  Check three friends.  If they're OK, you're it.

6.  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

7.  A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

8.  It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

9.  Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

11.  Corollary:  If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

12.  The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

13.  It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

14.  TJ's Law:  You can't fall off the floor.

15.  The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

16.  Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.

17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

18.  Law of Probability Dispersal:  Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Bill entered the bedroom with trepidation. He knew the Devil lorded it over an empire of unspeakable evil, and had also caused Flip Wilson’s Geraldine to do some incredibly sassy things. But today the Devil was all business. The fiend pulled out a rectangular object, no bigger than a common notebook, flipped it open and tapped a pointed finger onto its lettered keyboard. The doohickey hummed to life and Ol’ Bill about jumped through a window in fright. "Spare my life, Satan, I’ll serve you however you please!" implored Bill, cowering from the eerie luminescence of the machine’s face. "Fear not," the Beast said calmly, "For you have many years of prosperity ahead, before your bill comes due." But Bill still trembled in the presence of this powerful, yet portable insrument." And as for this," the Devil continued, "it’s merely a convenience. You have no idea of the paperwork generated by the selling of even one soul." With that he tapped again and a second machine began spewing a fully formed contract of servitude. The terms called for a prosperous period equal to Bill’s life of misfortune to date plus five, twenty-five years in total. It was decided Bill’s fortune was to come at the hands of the very object that had caused his great fright, in par because the Devil saw Bill’s fascination with the product and also because the Devil was a fan of irony, O. Henry being the first author he ever signed. The deal was consummated with saliva rather than blood, a final generosity extended on account of Bill’s squeamish nature, it being common knowledge he became nauseous even cutting his toenails.
"The Devil and William Gates," Jon Stewart, "Naked Pictures of Famous People."