The worst misfortune that can happen to an ordinary man is to have an extraordinary father. Austin O'Malley The future will be better tomorrow. Dan Quayle A + B + C = Success if, A = Hard Work, B = Hard Play, C = Keeping your mouth shut. Albert Einstein [via VDA] KJA: Do you mind if I go back to reading now? CLW: Yes it'll be safer for everybody. 5/20/99 Love is like the elephant in the room. You can put a lampshade on its head and a cord up its ass, but it's still an elephant. J.S.S., Fox Pitch, 7/13/99 I made a movie with her. On the first day of the shoot I went into the bathroom. She was next to me at one of the urinals. John Davis, 8/13/99, Belair Wilbur A.: The more I hear you, the more I understand why Ken always has you around. D.Adashek: I'm his only friend. 8/8/99, Lorraine Hollywood is the only town that would ask Shakespeare, "What have you done lately?" Doris Day, "It Had to Be You" They're all upstairs getting pimped up for the wedding. Amy A. 8/6/99, Lorraine The reason they dress down in features is they're trying to tell you, "Relax, this will take forever." Like a permanent backyard barbecue waiting for the hot dogs to arrive. 8/3/99, Houston's, Century City You can't milk a marble. Richard Shepherd, 7/25/99 We don't want to go back to tomorrow. We want to go forward. Dan Quayle Everything has two handles: one by which it may be carried, the other by which it can't. Epictetus, The Art of Living D.A.: Is there semen in my coffee? KJA: You figured it out. After your seventh sip. D.A. I figured it out after my first sip. 7/12/99, after "American Pie" It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors. Oscar Wilde Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright I'll be your dude. 9/25/91, Amy A., The Knitting Factory, Leonard Street GO AWAY Frank Sinatra's Palm Springs welcome mat A Father's spirit lives in the hearts of his children. African proverb [via Rosemary McKenna] Jan G.: You guys are either going to hate this hike, or love it. D.A.: Can we vote now? 9/5/99 Malibu Creek Canyon Do your best to rein in your desire. For if you desire something that isn't within your own control, disappointment will surely follow; meanwhile, you will be neglecting the very things that are within your control that are worthy of desire. Epicteus, The Art of Living That's the elusive thing about myths. They can only be proven, never disproven. Thomas Bown, Lost Oasis [MS] FJA: Sara, what do your real eyebrows look like? Sara: Dad, you don't want to know. 7/12/99, Lorraine Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. Dan Quayle, 11/30/88 Michele: Say my name, bitch! Tony: Michele! American Pie We're not Euro-trash, we're American trash. Amy A. 9/25/99 NYC We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. Dan Quayle Martha A.: Do you get TBN? D.A.: No, thank God. I get a blood test every week and so far I'm clear. 8/8/99, Lorraine Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. via Mary Calhoun I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy but that could change. Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 Martha A.: They were worshipping craven images! 8/7/99, Lorraine KJA (after spilling the beans): Thanks for not immediately humiliating me. Sara A: That's okay. I'm just silently thinking, God what an idiot. 8/8/99, Lorraine Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. Quayle Things and people are not what we wish them to be. They are what they are. Epictetus, The Art of Living "The grass isn't greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it." Shelley Seale For those who savor absurdity, the SmartFilter software banned pages for the U.S. Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, a site for the children's game "Candyland," anti-drug information, and the Koran. SmartFilter sniffed out and blocked access to a site containing the Bible and sites promoting the right of free speech... [from the Salt Lake Tribune, March 23, 1999, via Tapu] Faithfulness is not blind belief; it consists of steadfastly practicing the principle of shunning those things which are not within your control, leaving them to be worked out according to the natural system of responsibilities. Epictetus It hurts to be on the cutting edge. via Mary C. Think about it: What is really your own? The use you make of the ideas, resources, and opportunities that come your way. Epictetus JUNG: "...Many authors, philosophers, and even scientists owe some of their best ideas to inspirations that appear suddenly from the unconscious. The ability to reach a rich vein of such material and to translate it effectively into philosophy, literature, music, or scientific discovery is one of the hallmarks of what is commonly called genius." via Tom Lowe What are you thinking, Momma? Anything bad about me? Sixth Sense I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the Future. Dan Quayle Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don't know and I don't care. via Tim Hillebrandt The goal of all forms of life is stress reduction. D.Adashek 9/16/99 We are ultimately controlled by that which bestows what we seek or removes what we don't want. If it's freedom you seek, then wish nothing and shun nothing that depends on others, or you will always be a helpless slave. Understand what freedom really is and how it is achieved. Freedom isn't the right or ability to do whatever you please. Freedom comes from understanding the limits of our own power and the natural limits set in place by divine providence. By accepting life's limits and inevitabilities and working with them rather than fighting them, we become free. If, on the other hand, we succumb to our passing desires for things that aren't in our control, freedom is lost. Epictetus Whatever we don't own, owns us. Carl Jung Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Mary C. Every film has that moment, "the heartsinker" by which I mean that one statement I hear by which I know that the film is doomed. E. L. Doctorow, Authors Guild, NYC Society for Ethical Culture, 9/23/99 When my kleptomania gets too bad I take something for it. via Mary C. Homer J. Simpson, "I's had alls I can stands, I can't stands it no more..." [VIA aLEN] The life of a tennis pro is not all fun. Sometimes you get ugly women with one eye. D.A. 9/16/99 I only suffer for people I love. MDW, Mesopotamia, 6/18/99 I plan on living forever. So far so good. Mary C. "Yeah, you're sure my braces don't gross you out?" I didn't even answer. I just turned my head a little to the left so that there wouldn't be a collision of noses and kissed her. But this is a little weird, in making up the fire and turning out the lights, I guess she forgot to brush her teeth or something because her mouth tasted like carrots. Really, just like warm carrots. Sweet but just a little nauseating. And the metal in her mouth, I can feel it. I can feel it pushing against my lips; I can feel it on my tongue. She's got enough metal in there to make a Panzer tank. But this is supposed to be special moment. This is her first kiss and so I'm just hugging her gently and kissing her and her tongue is timidly seeking out mine. This is the tongue's big moment, the first tongue kiss. Carrot reek and all. This is it. Our tongues meet, bashfully as if we have never said a word to each other. The way two people might see each other at a bus stop, catch eye contact and glance away awkwardly. But the kiss endures and the tongues took to looking at one another again and in this one kiss they became friends. Boarded the bus holding hands. I'm actually starting to enjoy it until my tongue brushes up against something even more disconcerting than all that metal: a rubber band. This is it, I think. This i more like some kind of visit to the orthodontist's than a kiss. But I know I can't be all grossed out or anything, so I just start kind of pulling back, letting the mouths close naturally as the gap between them widens. And the kiss ends smoothly and I open my eyes and she opens her eyes and she smiles in the fire light. Riseley, Dog's Days, p. 221 MS   If this man kisses this woman we will lose Alabama...Maybe he could think about kissing her. Denzel's a good actor. Walter Mosley, author of Devil in a Blue Dress, at "Mangled by the Movies," Authors Guild, NYC, It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. Mary C. One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is "to be prepared." Dan Quayle   The most infuriating thing about him is he has very good taste. S.Cornfeld, 8/9/99 telcon The real auteur in movies is accident. Stephen Schiff, Authors Guild, 9/25/99 Somewhere around 14 million you have to put black hats on the bad guys and white hats on the good guys. Paul Schroeder, quoted by Russell Banks, Authors Guild An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. -via Mary Calhoun   When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. Vice President Dan Quayle When something happens, the only thing in your power is your attitude toward it; you can either accept it or resent it. What really frightens and dismays us is not external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them. It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance. Epictetus, E.D. Screenplays are like a rocket booster. They get the thing launched, then fall away. Doctorow Ninety-eight percent of the meaning of the scene is delivered before anyone has spoken a word. Doctorow Laurie D.: Nuts? D.A.: No. I'm a little unusual, but not exactly nuts. 8/8/99, Lorraine A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. Dan Quayle Deja vu the same mustard as before. Mary C. Big Rocks A day without sunshine is like night. Mary C. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. via Mary C. That guy's so cheap that if you put a cigarette paper in the crack of his ass you'd throw his hips out of joint. Ozark saying, via John Seibert, Houston's, Century City 9/30/99 I don't get even. I get odder. Mary C. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. Mary C. One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget. As he stood in front of the group of high powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." The he pulled out a one-gallon, wide mouth mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. Then he asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied. He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is the jar full?" No!" the class shouted. Once again he said "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things into it!" "No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: if you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all." What are the 'big rocks' in your life? Time with your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your dreams? A worthy cause? Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all. So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life? Then, put those in the jar first...

The high point e-mail of the year has arrived. Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin Awards, given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it. DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." #4 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. #5 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....(insert drum roll here) THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded. [via Mark Atchity]     THIS IS A TRUE STORY this is NOT a joke... My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus cookie." It was sooo excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not but, you can buy the recipe." Well, I asked how much, and she responded. "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!" I agreed, just add it to my tab I told her. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe -$250.00" That's outrageous! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any POSSIBLE interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund your money at this point." I explained to her the criminal statues which govern fraud in Texas. I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State' Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, it doesn't matter, and we're not refunding your money." I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every Cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus...for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off," and slammed down the phone on her. So here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possible think of. I paid $250 for this...I don't want Neiman-Marcus to ever get another penny off of this recipe.... NEIMAN MARCUS COOKIES (Recipe may be halved) 2 cups butter 4 cups flour 2 tsp. soda 2 cups sugar 5 cups blended oatmeal (measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder). 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 cups brown sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 2 tsp. vanilla 3 cups chopped nuts (your choice, but we liked pecans best) cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. HAVE FUN! This is not a joke-this is a true story. Ride free, citizens! PLEASE PASS THIS TO EVERY ONE YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [via Shelley Lawrence] 9/23/99He doesn't have skeletons in his closet - just feather boas. His skeletons are all out in the living room, nicely posed, a drink in one hand and a cigar in the other, placards hung around their necks with highlights from his tell-all autobiography. James Lileks, "Jesse's Skeletons Just Dress Up Better," The Washington Post, Outlook, 8/29/99 "How did you learn to run so fast?" I ask Kathy. "I'm gonna be a dancer. So I run." "What do you mean, you're gonna be a dancer?" "I mean that's what I want to do when I grow up. I want to dance. I take classes in North Hollywood." I am so blown away. I've never thought about saying what I want to do when I grow up. Fuck. I can't plan from one morning to the night because things might be okay in the morning but in the night my mom could be screaming and pulling my dad's hair out. All I can say is, "Wow." Chris Riseley, MS p 112. KJA: Do you think you can get a hold of your drinking problem? Amy A.: Do you think you can? KJA: There's no hope for me. I'm too old. Amy A.: There's no hope for me. I'm too young. The Knitting Needle, 9/25/99 If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. Mary C.Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. [via Mary Calhoun] People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. Mary C. ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) - In his autobiography, Gov. Jesse Ventura recounted his visit to a Nevada brothel during his Navy SEAL days. But apparently the visit is no endorsement. Ventura's lawyers have demanded that the Moonlight Bunny Ranch remove the governor's name from an advertisement that reads, "I had sex at the Moonlight.'' The letter tells the brothel near Carson City, Nev., to "immediately cease any advertising that states or implies his endorsement.'' The brothel owner said Wednesday he will consider changing the ads, but only to more accurately reflect what the governor says in his book. All films made from books are bad. It's bad if a lousy film is made from the book. It's even worse if the film is better than the book. Doctorow Your profession is not what brings home your paycheck. Your profession is what you were put on earth to do. With such passion and such intensity that it becomes spiritual in calling. Vincent Van Gogh [via Timothy S. Hillebrand, Ph.D.]

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