Didn’t I look
like a professional, just around the neck area?
—K.M. 6/29/01, Lincoln Center Swing |
I would have
made a good Pope.
—Richard Nixon, via Steve Alten, Goliath MS
|
Have you met
the "Posse"? They make Warren look like Fonzi.
—Jeff F., 5/15/01 telcon |
It’s easier
when I shut up, isn’t it?
—K.M. 6/10/01
|
You underestimate
my ignorance.
—Paul Grangaard, 5/30/01 telcon |
Yolanda S.:
You’re head looks swollen.
KJA: You know what they say in Manila: "A swollen head is better
than no head at all."
—6/14/01, Shangri-La Makati, Manila |
JSS: He’s
loved his idea for ten years.
KJA: I
think that’s known as development heaven.
—streets of Vancouver, 5/16/01
|
You should
carry a mailbox.
—K.M. 6/27/01, NYC |
Myrza A:
She should come visit for a few days.
KJA: That
way she can get out of my hair?
Myrza A:
What hair?
5/21/01 telcon |
A one-man Menendez
brothers
.—re Nepal murders |
D.Adashek
(to Susan Mc): You’re carrying a gun?
KJA: Have
you shot any fairly-intelligent Jewish men?
Susan Mc:
Nah. Too much paperwork.
—4/28/01 Leawood Country Club
|
You adults
need to control yourselves.
—Monty S. 6/15/01, Guernica, Manila Bay |
It
takes a long time to become young.
—Picasso, via Grba Slag Valley Serenade MS |
KJA: Those
lips!
JSS: She has lips all over her face
.—Vancouver, 5/18/01 |
KJA: This is
what writers do, though.
JSS: I know. I’ve read about it. But it’s killin’ me
.—6/28/01, telcon |
KJA: We’ve got to get out of here. This hotel could be condemned
at any moment.
—Solvang, 6/5/01 |
The first
organized firehouse was on the border of Dalmatia and Sardinia in
1642.
That’s why a Dalmatian?
It was either that or a sardine.
—State and Main |
You
need to know you can be happy by yourself before you can be happy
with anyone else.
—6/12/01 International Dateline |
It’s so easy
to go the crass route.
—Ed Burns, Vancouver, 5/17/01
|
| But the presence
of evil, once scented, tends to bring out all that is most irrational
and uncontrollable in the public imagination. It is a catalyst for
pea-brained theories, gimcrack scholarship, and the credulous cosmologies
of hysteria.—Michael Chabon, "The God of Dark Laughter," New Yorker
4/9/2001 |
There
must be one central character. One. Everybody write that down. Just
one. And he or she must want something. And by the end of the play
he or she must either get it or not. Period. No exceptions.--Marsha
Norman (daily thewriterslifeline.com inspiration, 4/19/01) |
KJA: Here’s
12 Cohibas, to cover the two days we watched you shoot.
Stephen H.:
Thank you!
KJA: If we
do "Henry" together, we’ll take care of the entire production
period.
Stephen H.:
Well, fuck me!
KJA: Well,
that would certainly be cheaper.—5/17/01, Vancouver
|
Our
bodies are our garden; to the which our wills are gardeners.—Shakespeare,
via Sasha Lauren |
The librarian,
Lucy Brand, returned my greeting with the circumspect air of one
who hopes to be rewarded for her forbearance with a wealth of juicy
tidbits.—Chabon |
Your body
is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.—Anthony
Bourdain, chef and author of "Kitchen Confidential."
|
I might
have to go to jail.
I’ll knit
you a sweater.
I might
be there for a long time.
I’ll knit
you a jumpsuit.—State and Main
|
KJA: It’s
raining.
JSS: You’re
crazy.
KJA: Raise
your hand.
JSS: That’ll
make me look less crazy?—NYC 5/22/01
|
| "Take
a drop from the ocean and you will find that it contains the same
elements that constitute all oceans. The same principle holds true
for human beings--and for the drama. The shortest scene contains
all the elements of a three-act play." --Lajos Egri, thewriterslifeline.com,
Daily Inspiration |
According
to the scholar or charlatan Friedrich von Junzt, the regions around
what is now northern Armenia had spawned, along with an entire cosmology,
two competing cults of incalculable antiquity, which survived to
the present day: that of Ye-Heh, the God of Dark Laughter, and that
of Ai, the God of Unbearable and Ubiquitous Sorrow. The Ye-Hehists
viewed the universe as a cosmic hoax, perpetrated by the father-god
Yrrh for unknowable purposes: a place of calamity and cruel irony
so overwhelming that the only possible response was a malevolent
laughter like that, presumably, of Yrrh himself.—Chabon |
For every failure,
there is an alternative course of action. You just have to find
it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.—Mary Kay Ash, via
Alten |
Take
a picture, please. I’ve never seen John Scott Shepherd walking.—Susan
S., by telcon, streets of Vancouver, 5/18/01 |
KJA: Here’s
where they plant the electrodes in our brains.
JSS: Now
Carla Hacken will know where we are all the time.—5/16/01, Banana
Republic, Vancouver
|
| The grand aim
of all science is to cover the greatest number of empirical facts
by logical deduction from the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms.—Albert
Einstein {via Steve Alten, Goliath, MS) |
JSS: Geez,
you’re covered with noodles.
KJA: Then
I must have had a good time, right?—5/22/01 NYC
|
My mother, whenever she was confronted by calamity or personal sorrow,
invoked cosmic emanations, invisible empires, ancient prophecies,
and intrigues; it has been the business of my life to reject such
folderol and seek the simpler explanation. But we were fools, she
and I, arrant blockheads, each of us bind to or heedless of the
readiest explanation: that he world is an ungettable joke, and our
human need to explain its wonders and horrors, our appalling genius
for devising such explanations, is nothing more than the rim shot
that accompanies the punch line.—Chabon |
Amy A.: Dick
me up. What does that mean?
Matt A.: Pick
me up.
Amy A.: Oh.—4/15/01
Palm Desert
|
Accept the challenge, so you may feel the exhilaration of victory.—General
George S. Patton, via Steve Alten, Goliath, MS |
KJA: What happened?
KM: I ate mango too aggressively.—6/27/01, 155 E. 49th
|
KJA:
God’s punishing me for my evil ways.
Amy
A.: So you’re getting off easy then.—4 /29/01, Leawood Country
Club
|
Read my lip.—Matt G., Target Center, Minneapolis, 4/5/01
|
Bill Clinton,
Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in
a small Central American country.
Bill Clinton
was the first one placed against the wall and just before
the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing
squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped
in the confusion.
Al Gore was
the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled
and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again before
the order was given Al yelled out, Tornado!" Again the squad fell
apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall.
He was thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out something
about a
disaster and hop over the wall." He confidently refused the blindfold
as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised
in his direction he grinned from ear to ear and yelled,
"Fire"!—via VDA
|
The most important thing in a work of art is that
it should have a kind of focus, i.e., there should be some place
where all the rays meet or from which they issue. And this focus
must not be able to be completely explained in words. This indeed
is one of the significant facts about a true work of art--that its
content in its entirety can be expressed only by itself. --Leo
Tolstoy—twl 4/26/01 |
John P.: Cut!
Tim A.: Phhhhhhhhhhhhhht.
--Target Center,
Minneapolis, 4/5/01
|
The average
pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser -
in case you
thought optimism was dead. - Robert Brault [via Michael Simpson]
|
What are
you so upset about, Dad, you don’t even believe in God.
That doesn’t
mean I stopped being a good Catholic.—She’s the One
|
Writing
is not like painting where you add. It is not what you put on
the
canvas
that the reader sees. Writing is more like a sculpture where you
remove,
you eliminate in order to make the work visible. Even those pages
you remove
somehow remain.
--Elie
Wiesel
|
The mind is the palace, able to imagine beyond what
the physical is capable of. The mind imagines perfection, but is
dragged down by the body’s mundane needs, the dungeon of desire.
Shackled together like convicts on a chain gang, they grudgingly
shuffle through life, each yanking the other in opposite directions.
But the force of their movements propels them in a third direction
neither can control.—Anatomy Lesson, MS, Raymond Obstfeldt |
Attendant:
In the Marines, they give you sixty seconds to take a shower.
KJA: What
do you need sixty seconds for?—Yale Club locker room, 4/2/01
|
The first rule of style is to have something to say. The second
rule of
style is to
control yourself when, by chance, you have two things to say;
say first
one, then the other, not both at the same time.---George Polya
Jeff F.: Joel’s
in the bathroom having group sex.
Joel: Yeah,
there’s safety in number.
--Rumanian
Hilton, Solvang, 6/2/01
|
INQUISITOR:
Are you a Jew?
JEW: No.
INQUISITOR:
Are you sure you’re not a Jew?
JEW: Yes.
INQUISITOR:
Oh, well, sorry to trouble you. Would you like to stay for cake?
JEW: Is
it chocolate? I’m allergic to chocolate.
INQUISITOR:
It’s an out-of-this-world lemon pound cake.
JEW: Well,
maybe just a nosh…
The
Inquisitor smiles a sinister smile.
JEW:
Damn.
--Jon
Stewart, Naked Pictures of Famous People
|
KJA: I’d be
better if no one spoke to me at all.
D.A.: You’re
heading in that direction
KJA: Can I
quote you on that, asshole.
D.A.: No,
you can quote me on that comment.
3/19
|
Character
and thought are merely obscured by diction that is
over-brilliant.
--Aristotle via thewriterslifeline.com daily inspiration
|
| You
write a hit the same way you write a flop.--William Saroyan
|
Don’ t compromise
yourself. You are all you’ve got.—Betty Ford, via Steve Alten, Goliath,
MS |
| A
Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to
a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic
seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices
a police officer walking back and forth between the lines
of cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's
the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The EX-President is just so
depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that
he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening
to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. Says his family
hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house.
I'm walking around taking up a collection for him. "Oh really? How
much have you collected so far?" "So far about three hundred gallons,
but a lot of folks are still siphoning."—via Danny Aguillard |
You
have just received the Amish virus. Since we Amish have no
electricity
or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all
of your files
on your hard drive, and forward this message to everyone in your
address
book.
Thank thee. |
KING: (holding
up a book) We’ve been talking to Adolf Hitler, the book is—
HITLER: Is
it over already?
KING: I’m
afraid so.
HITLER: Wow,
that was fast. I thought I was the one whohad ways of making you
talk. (Both laugh.) But seriously, the book is called Mein
Comfortable Shoes—getit?
KING: I do.
HITLER: It’s
about an angry man who learns to appreciate the little things
in life. It’s about acceptance.
KING: And
it’s a terrific read. Folks, if you read no other book this summer,
make it Mein Comfortable Shoes.
HITLER: Thank
you, Larry.
KING: And
what’s next for Adolf Hitler?
HITLER: I’ll
be doing Politically Incorrect next Thursday, and as always
you can see my oldwork on the A&E network, every night following
Bud Friedman’s An Evening at the Improv.
—"Adolf Hitler: The Larry King Interview," Jon Stewart, Naked
Pictures of Famous People
"I
like a view but I like to sit with my back turned to it." --Gertrude
Stein [via twl.com] |
Matt G.: You’re
leaming, to the left.
KJA: It’s
your brain, Matt.
3-21-01 Minneapolis
|
| Our
chief want in life is somebody who will make us do what we can.—Ralph
Waldo Emerson, via Steve Alten, Goliath |
| "What day is
it?" he asked, feeling like he’d fallen off the edge of something.
Like his life.—Henry’s List of Wrongs, John Scott Shepherd |
KJA: You
used to be a lot wittier than this.
David A.:
I don’t know what happened.
KJA: The
wit has hit the fan.—6/21/01, telcon
|
|
LITERATURE ABUSE:
AMERICA'S HIDDEN PROBLEM
SELF-TEST
FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS
How many of these
apply to you?
1. I have
read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
2. I have
gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
3. I read
rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
4. I have
sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
5. I have
hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being
seen.
6. Sometimes
I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
7. Sometimes
I rewrite film or television dialog as the characters speak.
8. I am
unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
9. At a
party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
10. Reading has
made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
11. I have neglected
personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
12. I have spent
money meant for necessities on books instead.
13. I have attempted
to check out more library books than permitted.
14. Most of my
friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes
passed out from a night of heavy reading.
16. I have suffered
'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
17. I have wept,
become angry or irrational because of something I read.
18. I have sometimes
wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes
I think my reading is out of control.
If you
answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a literature
abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicates a serious problem.
Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has
risen to new levels due to the accessibility of higher education and
increased college enrollment since the end of the Second World
War. The Number of literature abusers is currently at record
levels.
SOCIAL COSTS OF
LITERARY ABUSE
Abusers become
withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships. They fantasize,
creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of friends and
family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading
in awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags.
In the worst
instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small towns.
Excessive
reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral deformity
among the children of Librarians, English professors, Creative Writing
teachers and Literacy and ESL tutors. Known as Fetal Fiction
Syndrome, this disease also leaves its victims prone to a lifetime
of nearsightedness,
daydreaming and emotional instability.
HEREDITY
Recent Harvard
studies have established that heredity plays a considerable role in
determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature.
Most abusers have at least one
parent who abused literature,
often beginning at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many
spouses of an abuser become abusers themselves.
OTHER PREDISPOSING
FACTORS
Fathers or
mothers who are English teachers, librarians, professors, or heavy fiction
readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate
in healthy sports, or watch television in the evening.
PREVENTION
Premarital screening
and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in order to break the
chain of abuse. Librarians and English teachers in particular
should seek partners active in other fields. Children should be
encouraged to seek physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid
introspection.
DECLINE AND FALL:
THE ENGLISH MAJOR
Within the sordid world
of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to those sufferers who
have thrown their lives and hopes away to study literature in our colleges.
Parents should look for signs that their children are taking the
wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and say, "I can't
stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit his dorm room and
find
the secret stash of
the Paris Review, it may already be too late.
What to do
if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
1. Talk
to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know
you won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred grand
to put her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either.
But remember that she may not be able to make a decision without help;
perhaps she has just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic
poisoning.
2. Face
the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book
in your purse. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard
question--Who is this Count Vronsky?
3. Show
her another way. Move the television set into her room.
Introduce her to frat boys.
4. Do what
you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop signing
her letters as 'Emma.' Force her to take a math class, or minor in Spanish.
Transfer her to a Florida college. You may be dealing with a life-threatening
problem if one or more of the following applies:
- She can tell you how and when
Thomas Chatterton died.
- She names one or more of her
cats after a Romantic poet.
- Next to her bed is a picture
of: Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner or any scene from the Lake
District.
Most importantly, remember,
you are not alone. To seek help for yourself
or someone you love,
contact the nearest chapter of the American Literature Abuse Society,
or look under ALAS in your telephone directory.
|
