Writers call the office every day. They say all kinds of crazy things. It soon becomes obvious that most of these writers don’t have a realistic view of what’s needed to take the first steps toward becoming professional screenwriters. Many simply lack the experience to have a clear idea of what they should be doing.

Some of the people who call are insane. Some are just kind of stupid.

There is nothing I can do to cure the insane and stupid. But I can do something for the inexperienced and unclear. Thus, I have crafted a step-by-step process of exactly what you should be doing if you want to acquire a literary manager to represent your screenwriting career. There are no guarantees. That’s because there are no guarantees in Hollywood, at all, for anybody, ever. However, following the steps of this list will do a hell of a lot more for your career than calling companies out of the Hollywood Creative Directory and saying nutty things.

STEP ONE: Write Two Awesome Scripts

File this one under: "Well, duh." Way too many writers take their work into world before it’s ready. They’re too excited or impatient to get into the game. Let your craft develop and mature. Read as many scripts as possible. Write several scripts no one will ever read. Let yourself make mistakes. There’s only one true way to learn the craft, and that’s sweating over the white space. If you start submitting your work before it’s ready to be considered at a professional level, you’re just burning bridges for no good reason. When I get calls and emails from writers pitching me their very first script, I roll my eyes. Could it be great? Sure… but those are one in a million. Don’t submit a script just because your girlfriend thinks it’s like totally awesome, or you got a B+ on it in Screenwriting 101. Also, even if you’ve written several scripts before, don’t pitch something until you’ve polished it. Athletes have to train for years and years before they even have a shot at the big leagues. The same goes for writers.

You should have at least two great scripts. Sometimes a lit manager has to pass on an otherwise wonderful script. There are several reasons this could happen: they already have one just like it on their slate, they just took out a similar project and it didn’t set up, the subject matter is something they don’t like, that type of script is a tough sell, etc. If the script is a pass but the writing’s great, the manager might ask to see something else you’ve written. But if the passed script is the only one that’s polished to a professional level, and all you have to send next are your unprofessional, unpolished scripts, you’re shooting yourself in the ass. Back up your first great script with a second for a knockout one-two script read.

Make sure that you not only have two great scripts, but they are two feature-length scripts in the proper format. Do not try to sell yourself until the scripts are done. You’re not only proving you have a wonderful, commercial film idea; you’re also trying to show the industry that you’re a talented writer with the skill and craft to competently execute the idea into a fantastic screenplay.

Writers are sometimes confused because they read about scripts getting sold from a treatment or pitch. Many of the "confused" writers are just lazy and want to find out if they can become rich and famous just by having what they are certain is a whiz-bang idea, without having to go through all that damn hassle of learning to write and stuff. True, projects do sell on treatment or pitch, but it’s pretty rare, and typically happens with professional writers who have established to the industry that they can execute a good script from their ideas. I cannot repeat this enough: you are not only marketing the script, you are also marketing the writer.

STEP TWO: Write a fantastic synopsis to each script.

One or two pages long. Include the title, logline and a description of the story and characters. Really fine-tune these things. Make ‘em sing.

A synopsis is useful for offering the manager a next-step response to your script without having to request it yet. Meaning this: I sometimes get pitched loglines that sound interesting. I’ll ask if there’s a synopsis to read. This way, I can not only scan the story to see if the project’s worthwhile, I also get a chance to see a sample of the writer’s craft before having to deal with a script on my desk. If the synopsis is this meandering wreck filled with typos and craziness, I know not to waste time on reading anything more by said writer. I’ll just keep looking for scripts with similar loglines, hoping to find a writer who can realize a great idea into a professional screenplay.

STEP THREE: Research, Enter and Place Well in Screenwriting Contests.

You shouldn’t have to call lit managers if they’re calling you. The best way to make this happen is to place well in a reputable screenwriting contest.

Not all great scripts win contests, and not all scripts that win contests are great. However, a script that placed in the semi-finals of the Nicholls has a far higher chance of being worth the limited reading time of literary managers. Many companies closely watch the bigger contests for potential new clients. Contests are helpful for us because they tend to sift out most of the crap, a process requiring a massive amount of time, energy, patience and masochism. Most major contests also release their ranking scripts to interested companies. Thus, entering and doing well in contests helps you in two ways: a) building your resume as a screenwriter, and; b) marketing your script and writing abilities to literary managers.

I stress place well in reputable contests because I’ve read a lot of scripts that were, say, the third-place "winners" in joeschmoscriptcontest.com, and they were all garbage. Which leads to your natural question: "How do I know which contests are worth my entry fees?" The only real answer is research. That subject is another kettle of fish, which I don’t have the word count to get into here. Websites and magazines such as this one are a valuable resource.

STEP FOUR: Buy and Research a Guide to Literary Managers

You have written several scripts, at least two of which are awesome. You have entered and placed well in reputable contests. Yet you’re still unsigned. (No guarantees, remember?) The next best step is to get proactive and market yourself directly to literary managers.

There are several wonderful guides filled with contact information for literary agents and managers. Go buy one. Take this book home and flip through it. You’ll see an alphabetical listing of lit reps, including their addresses, websites, emails, names and phone numbers. At this critical juncture, you may feel the overwhelming desire to dive right in and just start calling around.

Should this urge strike, adhere to these guidelines:

• Stop.
• Put down the phone.
• Walk away.

HARRIED ASSISTANT

Acme Literary! How can I help you?

AWESOME SCREENWRITER

Hello. Are you accepting queries from new screenwriters?

HARRIED ASSISTANT

Yup, sure are!

AWESOME SCREENWRITER

Are there any submission guidelines?

To which Harried Assistant will say something like –

HARRIED ASSISTANT

You can email a query to me at harriedassistant@acmelit.com.

Or –

HARRIED ASSISTANT

Go to our website at www.acmelit.com.

Or –

HARRIED ASSISTANT

Just mail queries "Attention: Submissions."

If you don’t hear multiple lines ringing and people screaming in the background, you could maybe ask –

AWESOME SCREENWRITER

Are you still at (read off the address)?

HARRIED ASSISTANT

Sure are!

And the most important part of this call: say thanks… and hang up immediately.

Here is a short sampling of things you should not say:

"Is the head of Acme Literary there?"

"Guess what? I’ve just written a screenplay!"

"Do you represent actors?"

"This script will make you a million dollars!"

"What’s a query?"

"How do you spell ‘query?’"

"Could you tell me how the industry works?"

"I need to sell this immediately!"

"So you’re an agent, huh?"

"I’m calling all the way from (insert name of state other than California)!"

"Do I really need to write a whole script?"

"This is an incredible story about (and proceed to badly pitch it)."

"I’m sending you the script."

"This is the story of my life, and I have to play the lead role."

(All of these real things said to me by real writers, by the way).

Once you have the proper submission guidelines, make sure you follow them. Every day scripts pour into our box from writers who are apparently just dumping their work in the mailbox and hoping for the best.

There are entire books and classes devoted to teaching writers how to craft successful query letters. Again, word count dictates the short version.

A query letter is a short, polite letter asking a literary manager (or whoever) if they would like to read your work. This is a letter created with a word processor. Do not send hand-written queries. It’s an immediate red flag that you’re an idiot or a nut. I keep a collection of my favorite crazy query letters. Most of them are hand-written. This isn’t a coincidence.

Keep it to about two paragraphs. One paragraph should be the logline, genre and brief overall description of the script. The next paragraph should be a bit about yourself, what you’ve written, published, sold, etc. That’s it. If you’re sending an email query, keep it even shorter. You might want to include your one-page synopsis, though it’s not necessary… unless the company’s submission guidelines ask for one, in which case it is.

Do your homework and address the query to someone in the company. Queries that start out with "Dear Literary Manager" or "Dear Sir/Madam" are struggling for life right out of the womb.

You are only sending these queries to the literary managers you have researched from your industry guide. You are only sending queries for excellent, polished, completed scripts in your possession.

You are only sending queries. Some particularly dense and/or impatient writers don’t understand the query process and want to blow straight past it. They have no idea why they can’t just send the script so I can immediately tear open the envelope like I’m a kid on Christmas morning, read it, love it, declare them geniuses and sign them by next week to the Rich and Famous Contract that includes the sports car, swimming pool, movie stars and sunglasses. Do not send a script to anyone who hasn’t asked to see it under any circumstances. If you feel the urge, save yourself the postage by printing up the script and throwing it in the trash yourself. The sight of your screenplay lying at the bottom of a wastebasket should quell this self-destructive urge and lead you to better activities.

Once you have sent the query, the best thing to do is absolutely nothing. Most offices get dozens of queries a day. Even with diligent, hardworking professionals working those stacks, it generally takes weeks and weeks to respond. Emails are a bit faster, but even then it can be weeks before you hear back, if at all. There are plenty of constructive things to do in building your career in the meanwhile: researching companies and contests, sending out more queries, writing, etc. Keep track of when and where the query went, but otherwise the best thing to do is forget about it.

The worst thing you can do is pace around, stare at the phone, get impatient and call the company. "I sent a query letter three days ago and I haven’t heard back! What the hell’s going on?! If I don’t get an answer immediately, I’ll keep calling until… Hello? Hello?!" All you’re doing is getting your query instantly thrown in the trash, and labeling yourself "inexperienced" at best, and "a nutjob" at worst.

STEP SIX: Thank Them for Passes or Send Synopsis/Scripts on Request.

Your query may generate several possible responses:

• A pass letter or email. Your response: "Thank you for the consideration."
• A letter, email or call from the office responding with a pass on that particular script, but interest in what else you may have. Your response: offer a brief logline and description of Awesome Script #2. Follow their requests. Do not immediately send #2. Wait for them to ask for it. Both scripts might not be right for that company. Keep them in mind for later projects.
• A request to see a synopsis of the script. Your response: you already wrote a fantastic synopsis, so this is just a matter of givin’ the people what they ask for. Send it out with a smile.
• A request to see the script. Your response: find out their submission policies and follow them.

HARRIED ASSISTANT

Acme Literary! How can I help you?

AWESOME SCREENWRITER

Hello. My name’s Awesome Screenwriter. I’m calling to

HARRIED ASSISTANT

Can I get your name again and a number, please?

Spit out that name and number, be polite, say thanks and hang up the phone. It is imperative that, if you make this call, you are as friendly and professional as possible. The slightest hint of obnoxiousness or insanity sends up a red flag. Harried Assistant will likely report this red flag. When she reports to Ms. Acme, you want her to say something like: "The dude who wrote Awesome Script #2 called to check in." Ms. Acme might reply: "Poor guy, I’ve been so rushed and busy… remind me to take it on the plane with me to New York." Get on that phone with your hard dick attitude, and the conversation will probably be more like: "That asshole who wrote Awesome Script #2 keeps calling." To which Ms. Acme might well reply: "Boy, it’s a good script, but life’s too short. Dump it in the trash and tell him we passed."

To recap:

Step One: Write Two Awesome Scripts.

Step Two: Write a Fantastic Synopsis to Each Script.

Step Three: Research, Enter and Place Well in Screenwriting Contests.

If this doesn’t get you signed, move on to:

Step Four: Buy and Research a Guide to Literary Managers.

Step Five: Write a Wonderful Query and Send it to Lit Managers.

Step Six: Thank Them for Passes or Send Synopsis/Scripts on Request.

Step Seven: Repeat Until You Score Representation.

At this stage, if you have been polite, intelligent, friendly, professional, hard-working and talented, the stars may align and you’ll get a call. Throughout all of this, keep writing, writing and rewriting. Make sure you’re always adding fresh titles to your growing slate and polishing your current scripts.

Remember: no guarantees. But if you follow this step-by-step process, there is a high likelihood you’ll eventually find a literary manager who will take you on as a client.